Tuesday 12 May 2015

On finding the words



What happens is that I sit down at the dining table to write, and the words won't come. So I upload some pictures, usually a random collection of whatever I've snapped on my camera. I may delete some. I may not. Then I return to the words. They don't always appear. They often hover in front of me. I can see them. I often get the gist of them; a random hot potch of musings and bits and pieces of stuff. Which is my world for the most part of everyday. And I like it. I like that I can sometimes capture it all here on this blog. I get terribly frustrated when I can't. I feel restless. Sometimes I sulk about it. Why won't the words come?

So I walk away from the words, and go look at the words of others. I go and visit some of you, and the words that you have been writing. You always seem to write in such a lovely manner. You write down words that tell me stories. Stories about your family life, and the ups and downs all of that entails. You share birthdays, happy times, sad events. There are funny stories and memories of times long past. A creation is shared. Progress in the garden. Or just general everyday flights of fancy.

I read my current novel. This week it's Lucy Wood's 'Weathering' and Thomas Hardy's 'Far From The Madding Crowd.' There is a passage in Lucy's novel  that describes why one of the characters takes photographs:

"Why did she do it?.....She knew why. She could remember exactly why, even now. For the way time seemed to slow down and stretch, measured in the river's ripples rather than by clocks and mealtimes. For the invisibility. For the hush. To forget. To make some sort of record - but of what she wasn't sure exactly. To notice things she wouldn't otherwise have noticed: dragonflies hunting, the patterns of light, the specific way that water poured over a dipper's back."

Isn't that wonderful? It reminds me of why I want to write my words. To slow down. To remember. For the quiet and the calm it gives me. To make a kind of record, although it's debatable what kind of record it is. To appreciate and observe. To breathe.
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Olly and I went to allotment on Sunday, armed to the teeth with vegetables grown lovingly from seed in the greenhouse. Green and leafy and pulsing with life. We took trowels, forks and a hoe. Some bamboo poles and twine. A flask of hot chocolate and a couple of kit kats.

We strode along the path towards our plot. Plot number 10. It's the one that's nestled between three of the more established plots. We walked through the lush grass with purpose, saying hello to fellow plot holders as we passed them. They were all busy as bees; digging, weeding, planting. We were surrounded by industry of the nicest sort.

I stood at the boundary of our plot and stared out over it. What I saw was a wasteland. A wasteland that I am futilely attempting to tame. The part that we have already gamely tried to cover with plastic sheeting in order to suppress the weeds, is being teased apart by the winds that race in from the Atlantic. Even though we have pegged and battened it all down, it has been ripped in places and rustles ominously. It felt as if it was growling at me as I stood there, feeling a sinking sense of dismay. And when I looked underneath...well the weeds don't look particularly suppressed to me. Rather they look in rude health; dock, nettle, thistle, couch grass and bramble pushing up and out. They object to being reined in. They are gathering like a protest in strength and number.

The ugly green netting has been secured by Marc, and I thought that at least the rabbits will be put off. But it looks so unattractive. There is no bucolic vision here. No Pinterest worthy vista. My naive visions of fruit bushes and honeysuckle draping and obscuring the boundary of the plot is a long way off. The reality of the plot is hard edges and green plastic.

We plonked the seed trays down, and I gave a long sigh of despair. Spring has arrived here. There are millions of little weeds staking a claim on the vegetable beds that we have made so far. There was nothing for it than to do battle with them. I felt a slow rise of panic, as I began the onerous task. What on earth was I doing here? This is supposed to be enjoyable. This is meant to be an engaging hobby. This is meant to assist me on my journey towards positive mental health and well being. I could come here for a month of Sundays and I'd still not tame this wild plot. This very British jungle. It will never, ever look photogenic enough for me to share it publicly. With pride and just a little hint of smugness at the wonderfully bucolic heaven I have created. All by myself on my own.

I turn to Olly and admit defeat. I tell him that perhaps his Mum has bitten off more than she can chew, and that maybe it would just be best to walk away from here, now, today, and let someone more deserving take over this almost virgin plot. Olly looks up at me, and I see a real disappointment in his face. Where, he inquires, would he plant his carrots? How would he be able to grow and harvest his Halloween pumpkins? He collected the seeds for them from last years pumpkin, and he's always had a yearning to grow carrots. He planted the seeds himself, and has helped me water them. He has watched their growth in the greenhouse with a keen interest.

I admitted to him that it all felt too overwhelming. I said it. Out loud. To another human being. That I find this as overwhelming as I find much about my daily life. That I lack commitment and confidence. That I have become the very person my younger self used to scoff at. Olly shrugged his shoulders, and suggested that we weed what we can and plant the vegetables anyway. He had already spotted three different beetles and a massive spider. He'd poked some sort of grub out from the soil, and patted earth over a worm. Olly wanted to stay, and told me in no uncertain terms that we were not to give up the plot.

So I did the only thing I could do. I gave myself a silent talking to. Whilst I could probably use the help of the army to knock the plot into shape, it's just me, Marc and Olly. I can only devote a limited amount of time to it every week. And yes I have avoided coming here, because that's my go to behaviour option when things seem too much. And when did my little boy suddenly get so grown up and wise? My five year old pragmatist. So together Olly and I weeded the beds again. We chatted away as we sat side by side. We saw lots of different bugs, and stopped occasionally to look and marvel at them all. We agreed that the iridescent green beetles scurrying to and fro over the emerging bare earth were our favourites. The swallows swooped low and fast around our heads as we sat engaged in our task. They wittered encouragement, as they gave us a free aerobatic display.

And finally we got down to the job of planting. Runner, borlotti, broad and french beans. Beetroot, chard, mange tout and Olly's carrots, pumpkins and squash. Olly inspected their roots very solemnly, and watered them all thoroughly. He stood looking at the plot. "We need a shed," he said.

............

Plot number 10 is the biggest thing I've ever tackled. Although that's not really saying much. I live such a small life. I have stopped all risk. I fear most things. I talk myself out of so much, and convince myself to do so little. The plot is 12mx10m in size. That may not seem such a big number, but for me it might as well be the size of a football pitch. It is virgin territory. No-one tended the plot before I came along. The council purchased the land about six years ago in order to offer the people of St Ives an allotment site. I'm actually very lucky to have secured a plot, because they have all be taken up now, and I've heard that there is a waiting list.

In the short time that it has been an allotment, a thriving community has grown around it. Like-minded people gather here. People who want to grow their own. People who feel the benefit of getting outside and doing some physical labour. People who derive pleasure from the land. There are those that also keep bees. There is a plot where nothing but sweet peas are grown. The smell in summer is intoxicating. A couple of young chefs have two plots. On one they encourage the nettles. They make great pesto, apparently. Every year there is a produce show. I have found everyone to be friendly and helpful. William has offered the use of his shed, until I get one of his own. He's also giving some cauliflower plants to Olly.

I shall stick with it, and maybe one day my plot will be both beautiful and bountiful. Plot number 10 will always be a work in progress, and perhaps I should just embrace that idea and go for it anyway. It may just be the making of me.

Have a lovely week, and I hope that the words come for you too.

Leanne xx




37 comments:

  1. I can just 'feel' the emotion here...stuff going on here that's kind of mirroring this but I know we will both get through it, we will!

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  2. Like life Plot 10 will always be a work in progress. My plot certainly is & sometimes it's hard to look at the bigger picture. This gardening malarkey is blinking hard work but huge fun too. The plans you make keep you going when things don't quite turn out the way you expected them too & then you start again! Your weeds become your compost & jollop to spray & water your veg plants with. (comfrey & nettles rotted down in water is my jollop). All the dried weeds, plants & sticks make good bonfire material in November, a home made guy, hot chocolate & marshmallows your good to go. Sometimes we need to view our surroundings as little children do, Olly sounds like a wise soul & I wish him all the luck with his pumpkins & carrots. The first year of growing is often the best! x

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  3. I have days like that on my allotment too, where everything just seems...too much. There are too many weeds, too many evil things I didn't even know existed all out to eat your plants before you get a look in, too much rain, too much wind. I look at my neighbours plot which is perfect and feel defeated...and then I shake myself, I'm not a control freak, I like things to be more wild. So what if I have patches of weeds all over my plot?...they are good for the wildlife, long grass, nettles and the rest. In between these wild patches I will plant my fruit, veg and flowers and one day it will be the beautiful vision I have in my head...one day;) (I've also found raised beds have helped me tackle the vastness!) My mantra I have decided is 'little an as often as I can manage'...I wish you luck with your plot and hope you don't give it up.. not as long as your little one enjoys it anyway:)

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  4. I feel I could have written some of this. Thank you for sharing your words.

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  5. Don't give up. Every allotment plot is always a work in progress, and though you may look around you and see plots which don't have a weed in sight, those gardeners probably don't have the other commitments which you do. Tackle a small part at a time and make sure that you look after those bits each time you go to the plot before starting on a new bit, that way the parts you've already tamed don't get reclaimed by nature. You've already done a great job, Olly's enthusiastic about gardening and knows that he's growing plants to eat. Believe me, there's many kids much older than Olly who haven't a clue that carrots grow in the ground, a sad state of affairs, so you're doing a brilliant job. Keep it up and don't get disheartened, we've all been there.

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  6. Hi Leanne, this is Ollie's Mum from the Little Letters project. So glad I found your blog. I really relate to a lot in this post xx

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  7. I'm with Olly you can't give up now and it will always be a WIP because that's what growing your own is all about. But just think of all the rewards you and Olly will get when everything is growing and ready to take home to put on your table knowing that you grew it all by yourselves with a little help from mother nature...

    When it comes to what to blog about try keeping a little note book handy and as you think of things jot them down, but this post like all your post is just as full of your life's news as any other and we all keep coming back to see what you have been up to so you must be doing something right:-)

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  8. I feel your pain. I have become a bit of a cowardy custard, I really had to stop myself from talking my 24year old daughter out of a solo holiday in Morrocco this week, because I wouldn't have the courage to do it myself! As for the allotment, it is a terrible thing to be a perfectionist - that is what the trouble is I think. You see a mountain, because you want it all done at the same time, when all you can hope to do is a bit at a time.

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  9. What's the old saying, a journey of a 1,000 miles begins with one step. Don't picture the whole garden when you work on it, just one "step" of it. I love gardening, but it wears me out and I try to deal with only small bits at time.

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  10. In the way that the words eventually come I am sure that the allotment will gradually grow and become what you would dream it to be. It sounds as though Olly is going to be a gardening star, so perhaps you can go at his pace and let him dig and perhaps take the lead, it sounds as though he is enjoying it! I have learned with our garden that little and often works better than me doing loads and then nothing for ages because I wore myself out in a big burst. xx

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  11. You are teaching Olly the value of growing and understanding his own food, you are giving him the memories of you both tackling the pesky weeds, you are giving him a sense that even when things are tough you shouldn't give up, you are allowing him to see you when you are unsure about your own abilities...in short your 'small life' is like a web reaching into and connecting lots and lots of things together...keep at it.

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  12. I don't know how you could possibly think that you don't have words to share. You absolutely do and every time, they are insightful, interesting and provocative.

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  13. You have a wise little boy indeed. I love the thought of the allotment being so important to him already and I have absolute faith that someday you will be sharing photos of your beautiful allotment and its produce with us - I can't wait. xx

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  14. Such a heartfelt post. I frequently have to give myself a talking to! My life is a work in progress but I try and remember some bits to be grateful for at the end of each day. Thankfully dad has an allotment - the hazy option for me!! X

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  15. Starting a garden plot from raw ground is a lot like raising a child. I think part of your discouragement might be because you are looking at a toddler garden and expecting it to behave like a grown-up. As for Pinterest, it has taken the place of magazines for inspiring guilt and a sense of inferiority. Is there any way you can build some raised beds in your space? It's a way around the weed problem. You fill the beds with a mix of top soil and compost instead of relying on the soil that's there. Check out lasagna gardening. It's how I did my garden boxes in Kamloops to avoid the weeds and poor soil. And I have done a similar approach here at our cottage.

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  16. I regularly feel exactly the same about my allotment. This time of year the weeds go mad, and it all seems utterly overwhelming. I've said to the children, "Maybe we should give it up". They're horrified, they so want to keep it. So I do. And I just do what I can, in the limited time I have. And that's enough to harvest some nice crops. Lots of things fail. Lots of things get eaten by pests or swamped by weeds. But it doesn't matter, it's enough. The children like to mess around there. If it's getting too much, try and cover some of it as best you can, and just work on a little bit of it. As the veg get bigger, they get more robust. The first little harvests are so precious. And seeing Olly enjoying his time there, and maybe becoming a gardener for life, will make it worth all the effort and worry. It's funny what you say about blogging. I often struggle with what to say, and I have no idea what I'll say until I actually start typing. But yours is a blog I always things of as flowing so beautifully and intelligently. It's what I aspire to. I love your thoughts about life. You write movingly and you make me laugh out loud. There's colour and fun here. You're doing it right! CJ xx

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  17. Leanne,
    Have you seen Charles Dowding's How to Create a New Vegetable Garden: Producing a Beautiful and Fruitful Garden from Scratch? It is very good about supressing weeds and tackling a new or neglected spot. Mulching changed my veg. gardening life radically. Also, you are so lucky to have a son who shares your curiosity and love for nature. There's a harvest there, but it might not be veg. Enjoy the time with him out there. Finally, I love reading what you write even when it's overwhelm. We all have it.
    Sandra

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  18. Oh, Leanne, you write so well. You really do! And the reasons you gave for writing are why I like taking photos so much. They make me notice and remember more.

    Your allotment will never be "done", in the same way that the garden is never done, or the cooking...it's endless and sometimes enjoyable and sometimes overwhelming. But my God woman if anyone can do it you can!! Don't look at it as a whole, just look at one small bit and do that. It's like my CBT lady said - take each day as it comes. If I am scared and imagine weeks and months stretching ahead of me I am more scared, but if I just think of today I am fine. You need to take this allotment one flowerbed, or corner, or day at a time. xxxx

    Ps You're amazing, never forget that.

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  19. Oh, Leanne, you write so well. You really do! And the reasons you gave for writing are why I like taking photos so much. They make me notice and remember more.

    Your allotment will never be "done", in the same way that the garden is never done, or the cooking...it's endless and sometimes enjoyable and sometimes overwhelming. But my God woman if anyone can do it you can!! Don't look at it as a whole, just look at one small bit and do that. It's like my CBT lady said - take each day as it comes. If I am scared and imagine weeks and months stretching ahead of me I am more scared, but if I just think of today I am fine. You need to take this allotment one flowerbed, or corner, or day at a time. xxxx

    Ps You're amazing, never forget that.

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  20. Well done for persevering, I feel often feel defeated just looking at planting out a small space in the garden so I guess it's all relative. Keeping it simple is the way to go, one foot in front of the other. You are also planting the seeds as it were for the future, Olly will one day want to plant out his own garden and allotment and by doing it with him when he's young you've made it so much easier for him to do it himself when he's older.

    Have a great week, Antonia x

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  21. Oh wonderful! I loved your quote and your own very quotable self! i understand about the writing. Words un-written can feel like a cork in a bottle.
    Your son will recall plot number 10 all of his life for all of the reasons you took it on. Good for you. Feeling overwhelmed is important.....somehow......stretching is good when things feel beyond us......for the challenge. Good for you for 'keeping on.'

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  22. I'm glad you're going to stick with it. And it sounds like your son will be a keen helper. I'm looking forward to hearing how it's going, especially if you accompany updates with your amazing photos.

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  23. Oh your writing touched my soul today my friend.....I can just see your little guy talking to you about jumping into the space. Such a sweet kiddo you have there and such a good mama you are for being honest and open. Keep up the hard work......the garden evolves as well as us!! Nicole xoxo

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  24. I'm so pleased you've found the words again - lovely to hear from you. Another post which struck a chord with me. Embrace the weeds, Leanne, because they always find a way through. That's my attitude to the dandelions which invade my garden. Instead of battling I just enjoy their cheeky yellowness and the way the seed heads attract the goldfinches. Probably some kind of metaphor about life there too but won't labour it. Perfect weed free gardens only exist on TV and magazines anyway. Have you seen Far from the Madding Crowd film which is out at present? I really enjoyed it when I saw it last weekend with reluctant teen who ended up enjoying it too.

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  25. You and I are so very similar, Leanne. I'm scared of everything too and feel it's held me back in so many ways.
    But you write beautifully and have wonderful boys and a great sense of humour. Keep plugging away at that allotment. Like you say, you did well to get it. And Olly loves it:)
    You will tame it eventually. I'd love a plot around here but we don't have any, sadly.
    I'm rooting for you (sorry) xx

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  26. Lots and lots of gentle thoughts lovely lady. My allotment days make me laugh when I think of them.....l we tried two allotments. One in the local allotment field. A virgin plot which nearly killed us. Literally . After one long family holiday nature won. We got a letter and our plot was given to someone more worthy. Oh! The relief. Then undefeated we asked my Mum if we could gave a plot in the field next door to our house. It was virginal grass. It was so much more successful fleetingly. I bought a true and walked back to the house with baby broad beans and purple sprouting and thought life was perfect. Then someone put chopped up bindweed on the compost bins. One April we covered the allotment with a very thick layer if compost and went to visit our daughter in Australia for a month. I was so excited to return to plant all my plants but my joy was short lives as the whole allotment was covered with bindweed.
    So, dear friend I did not gave a little one spurring me on and the field looks beautiful now. My dear Mum gas passed away and I don't think anyone knows there was once an allotment there and I smile to myself that nature won. I do grow beans in a big tub and I grow lettuce in long planters. Look after that dear boy of yours...... But most of all look after yourself too. Some things are just too much bloody hard work!!!!!?

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  27. Why do I tap "g" instead of "h" So sorry and that should read trug not true... ********* autocorrect but I am sure you get the gist xxx

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  28. Goodness Leanne, this was a post which touched my heart. Go you for listening to Olly. He'll feel that his opinion is valued and worthy because you discussed it. I empathise with so much of what you have written here. I love your writing style. You have the art of creating a story to share and I love to read it. I believe my blog started for me and for my children in the future. I didn't seek fame or success from it and it seems you are the same. If that's the case continue to use the blog so it works for you. The real friends you have developed through this space would stick with you. If we are open to learning from others -even our children, we will grow and find happiness in those small things. Even if it is with a knobbly home grown carrot or two! Good luck, J9 x

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  29. A beautiful blog, so well written,sometimes we can be overwhelmed, even by the things we love doing, sometimes by life and just the sheer amount of "stuff" to do. I understand your feelings about lacking confidence and avoiding anything stressful. All too often over the past few years I found my last garden, though beautiful and my creation was also overwhelming when I couldn't cope with life, never mind keeping on top of 2 acre garden! But it was also my place of healing, when taking time out from the horrible world outside. I concentrated on a small area, one border or the greenhouse or planting out a tray of seedlings, and if I got that one job done and felt like some more, I did another small piece. If not I went back into the house knowing I achieved something. Not always easy, but looking at the whole picture can be detrimental and off putting sometimes. I love your narrative of Ollie's view of the allotment, the bugs, his carrots, it brings a whole new level to our view of the same thing. He will learn so much from gardening with you, I know my boys did. You will learn a whole lot from him doing these simple jobs, with your fingers in the soil together, I know I did. Take care x

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  30. I'm so glad you found the words Leanne, they are beautiful words and well worth waiting for. I'm new to veg gardening and have a tiny little patch in my garden. I'm realising that it's a lot of work and often doesn't work out the way I want it to, but even if it just grew nettles, home made pesto sounds pretty good to me. x

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  31. My dear friend, it sounds to me like that plot is there for Olly as much as anyone. If he's happy doing what he does there, might that just be enough? Sufficient unto the time and all that. xxx

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  32. I'm glad you found your words, they are so wise x

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  33. Cheering you on over here! armed was the right word. Could you make some of it a wild flower meadow and just see what happens?! Sounds like Olly just enjoyed being there. Good luck with No 10 X

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  34. Hi Leanne. You have undertaken other big projects my love! Look at your lovely boys, they are well rounded beautiful creatures (yes, the teenager, too). Olly is an amazing little boy. Did you not often feel that you couldn't possibly do the whole parenting malarkey and felt like hiding under the duvet? I certainly did. Still do. Look what you have achieved! Plot no10 is just the same really, there is always hard work and it may seem that the moments of reward are few and far in between. I'll be looking forward to seeing Olly's carrots, and hip pumpkin, too. They'll do well with a few weeds in between, distracts the pests. I'll bring my army for day of weeding mid July if you like! Your writing is simply beautiful. When you write a novel, I'll be sure to get it straight away. Christina xxx

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  35. We found our allotment was hard work and took a while to tame. When it started to produce so many wonderful vegetables it was worth all that effort and time. Sarah x

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  36. It sounds to me like you and Olly have this ... you just need to give it time. And maybe try a few haybale beds ... would the terrain and the weather allow? That would give you some veg to look forward to while you work to tame the rest of the plot.

    You moved me with this post Leanne, few bloggers write well enough or observe life closely enough to do that.

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  37. Wonderful post Leanne. I really do enjoy your writing. xx

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