This week has been a bit shit to tell you the truth. I don't know if it's tiredness, or hormones, or both. We are in the land of the cross here, I can tell you. Lots of fighting and cheeky/naughty behaviour. Boundaries being pushed big time. I have this fuzzy head, which is often a precursor to spiraling down into the blues. Everything has gone to pot.
I was told the other day that I try too hard to be a 'good' Mum. That I exhaust myself by trying to do too much, and the net result seems to be that my children demand more and more, without showing any gratitude or respect. It was a pretty damming indictment of myself and my children. I didn't like hearing it, and it took a while to process what was meant. It's true that I have huge internal struggles about motherhood. It doesn't come easily to me. When I read accounts of the surge of love mothers felt for their new born, I don't get it. I was just too exhausted. I am always too exhausted. I'm exhausted right now. I battle with the stay at home Mum role a lot. I see it as my job, and I want to do it to the best of my ability, when good enough would probably do for about ninety percent of the time.
I'm not influenced by the media. The only thing I buy into is that my hair will become full and lustrous if I buy the right shampoo. I don't think that if I fill my house with mason jars, peonies or succulents, my life will be enriched in any way. I don't believe that being a size eight with a washboard stomach will bring me inner peace and happiness. I quietly laugh to myself at some of the 'lifestyle' blogs and magazines and shows out there. I am the most uncool person you are ever likely to meet, if being cool means reading feminist literature whilst cooking quinoa burgers on a open pit fire in the middle of a meadow and then diving into the river for a spot of wild swimming.
But I am influenced by the way other people present themselves and their children. Particularly when it comes to the behaviour of their children. Although I know that it is not possible that their children are perfectly behaved all of the time, there is a little bit of me that holds it up as a mirror to my own. I am a pretty honest person, and if my boys are being little bleeders (which is a lot of the time) then I will voice it. Experience has shown me that most people are not as honest. Either that or I really am a mother to the three biggest brats in Cornwall. And what is the deal with other people thinking that they can voice an opinion on the behaviour of your children, or float praise of their own at the expense of yours? I just don't get it. I don't get it after seventeen years of parenting. All I know that it either pisses me off or deeply hurts me, depending on how am I feeling.
Oh dear! Sorry about that. Excuse the mad ranting. It's that time of year I guess. Don't take me too seriously. Honestly I always feel better after one of these rants. And I am the world's most contrary person at times ;) And I've just bragged big style on Facebook just now.....
A gift from CJ
Gold for Alf
|Alfie and his mate Thai|
Last week I met fellow blogger CJ. She writes at Above The River. Perhaps you already follow her tales of raising three boys, growing on her allotment and general musings on life. She is what I call an honest blogger. She is funny and down to earth and meeting her in real life was an absolute pleasure. She gave me this mug as a gift. One of my first ever posts was about breaking the exact same mug, and how upset I was. I am originally from Bristol, and a big part of my heart still belongs there. I was so touched that she had read the post, and remembered. What an absolute babe she is.
Alfie and I have been locking horns big time lately. God how that boy can get under my skin. He is really struggling with the minefield that is being an almost teen in secondary school. His confidence at all levels has really taken a hit. But he is also demonstrating behaviour that cannot be excused. He was ribbed at the start of his club championships. He was told that he would 'be owned' by all the other green belts. He took all the banter very seriously, and almost bailed on the tournament. But he told gold in his category. A huge confidence boost for him. He smiled and looked happy for the first time in ages. It's all you need sometimes isn't it?
I have sunflowers in the garden. They haven't been chewed through by the snails. They are a beautiful addition, and always remind me of growing them at school. Such a simple, honest plant. There aren't fancy and frou frou, and I love them all the more for it.
My last happy, if you can picture it, is sat in the garden after school sucking on an ice pop. I love ice pops. I devoured them when I was pregnant with Alfie. I remember buying them after school and eating them on the bus home. Again a simple honest treat. You can keep your Magnums, I'll have an ice pop any day.
Have a lovely weekend